


Things You Shouldn't Be

by lodessa



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Admiral Kathryn Janeway - Freeform, Angst, Chakotay/Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Endgame, Endgame fix, Episode: s07e25 Endgame (Star Trek: Voyager), Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Missing Scene, references to C7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 21:05:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10975314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lodessa/pseuds/lodessa
Summary: Chakotay confronts the Admiral regarding her conversation with Seven of Nine about him.





	Things You Shouldn't Be

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [Talsi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Talsi74656/pseuds/Talsi74656) for holding my hand through the writing process and helping me get back on track when I lost my way, [ Helen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen8462/pseuds/Helen8462) for her help with coming up with a title, [ Cheile](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheile/pseuds/cheile) for the second set of eyes on the (more or less) finished product, and to the whole of the "Pervy Chakotay Fanciers Society" chat membership for the original idea to have Chakotay address this issue with the Admiral and the encouragement that yes they wanted to read this fic.

“Chak-o-tayyyy…” she throws her head back, white hair falling back out of her face, “Harder, I need you to take me harder.”

He bites his lip to try and maintain control as the way she’s milking his cock threatens to overload his circuits.

Circuits. Right.

This. This certainly wasn’t how he’d expected things to go when he’d stormed into Voyager’s visitor’s quarters to confront Kathryn’s Future Admiral Self after his talk with Seven.

The truth was that he almost didn’t know why he had fought Seven on breaking up. (Did they even really have enough of something to call it a breakup?) The thought of not seeing her anymore didn’t particularly upset him, but then she’d mentioned the Admiral as the source of the idea and it was like he’d just seen red.

How dare she?

He’d been patient, understanding, resigned, supportive. He’d waited, given her every opportunity to say something, to object, to even give him the slightest glimmer. But no. She said nothing to him, absolutely nothing. Not as Voyager’s current captain and not as her temporal prime directive be damned time traveling future self.

Damnit, Kathryn.

She’d gone to Seven. She’d gone to Seven and tried to have Seven do her dirty work, and that thought made him so damned angry he might have done almost anything to spite her.

“What the hell was that about?” he demanded, forgetting the rank bar, forgetting that he had no idea where the two of them stood at her point of the timeline, “Because I sure as hell don’t have the slightest clue.”

“What was what about?” she made an expression that could either have been a smirk or a wince and it bothered him that he wasn’t sure which, before wryly adding, “And by all means, Commander, come in.”

“That little stunt you pulled with ‘warning’ Seven.” He ignored her use of his rank instead of name. “Just what was your objective there? To prove that you are always in control? Like I didn’t already know that.”

“Ah,” she sighed, “Seven’s the one who ran off to tell you.”

“As opposed to who? Did you talk to everyone on this ship about me except me?”

Just how many whispers in different ears had this future Kathryn set in motion to come crawling towards him? Why couldn’t she just have said whatever she wanted to say?

“It doesn’t matter. So what did Seven tell you about our little chat?”

“You convinced her to end things with me… supposedly for my well being.”

What did he really think was going on? If she had an ulterior motive… Did he just want to believe there was something more to it than she let on?

“You don’t sound like you believe me,” she remarked, running her fingers through her snowy mane of hair. She was still stunningly beautiful; even through his fury, he couldn’t not notice.

“You could have just said something to me,” he cut right to the chase, “But you didn’t. No, instead you used someone you used to care about as your catspaw. What’s your angle, Kathryn?”

“Who says I have an angle?” she evaded, “Maybe I just thought she’d be more receptive to my concerns than you are right now.”

She was dodging him, batting aside his questions like gnats. It brought all of the doubts and resentments that usually were lulled into submission welling up.

“Maybe I’d be more receptive, if you stopped trying to play me like some hostile diplomat. Why, Kathryn? Just tell me why.”

Time seemed to stretch as he waited for her response. He was about to turn around and leave, unable to control his frustration anymore, afraid of saying something he’d regret, fed up with feeling like he was just another chess piece to her. Then finally she responded.

“How could I tell you? How could I tell you that you regretted it? That you were wracked with guilt… How you told me you should have done things differently at the end.”

“Like that,” he snapped, “Like you just did.”

“And now,” she laughed but it was full of anything but joy, “Now won’t you always wonder what would have been if I hadn’t forced your hand? If you turn to your Kathryn now, how can you ever know that it wasn’t because I put the idea in your head? Because I… as you so eloquently put it, played you.”

Chakotay reeled from the psychological whiplash. Every time she’d shut him out, refused to even consider his input came screaming to the front of his mind. 

“So you’re ‘protecting’ me… again? From what? You? Myself? Clearly you don’t trust me to make decisions. Why do you even care what I do if I’m such a useless piece of dead weight?”

His words didn’t even make sense to himself, but he was drowning in what she’d said and what she had not. Did she think he’d be better off alone? Forever?

“Chakotay…” she took took a deep breath, “I just didn’t want to screw things up, with us, again.”

“For us?” he glowered, “Or for you?”

“Fine,” she admitted at long last, “I don’t want you with Seven, with anyone else. It eats at me. It ate at me. Does knowing that make you happy?”

It wasn’t enough, so many times it would have been but not today, not in this moment.

“Tell me you want me,” he demanded, emboldened by his fury and shock, “That you don’t just want me to be alone. Or would that be a lie?”

“It wouldn’t be a lie,” Kathryn’s voice had that rich depth to it that she always managed when talking to the crew at large, “I wanted you even when I thought I shouldn’t so much I’d have died before I admitted it.”

“And now?” 

He’d wanted to hear her say it, but what did it matter how she might feel if she was still going to put on the mask of command and keep him at arm's reach? He was so tired of living off hope.

“I’m too old to deny the truth to myself or anyone else anymore. I’ve lived too long… lost too much. Hell, I’ve already screwed the temporal prime directive.”

“So why not screw me?” 

Her expression remained hard but he saw her shudder slightly, an almost imperceptible reflex.

“Is that what you want? My time marked body-”

“Make me believe this isn’t just another round of the same excuses, Kathryn. Show me you mean it.”

What did he and this version of her have to lose at this moment? There was no future with her impending sacrifice in front of them. If she wouldn’t be with him now, she never would, he thought bitterly.

She started to reach out, but her hand hesitated in front of his chest and he thought she was going to balk, his disappointment threatening to drown him. He was done being jerked around by any version of Kathryn. No, he was going to head straight back to-

Grabbing hold of the front of his uniform suddenly, she didn’t give him time to register the movement before her other hand made contact with his backside, squeezing firmly as she pulled him towards her.

She bit his lower lip, nipping decisively before sucking on it, eyes locked on his, looking like she was ready to devour him whole. Then she was kissing him. Not slow and tenderly as he’d always imagined but hard and tense, greedily pressing his mouth open to hers. His hands were on her hips almost immediately, one leg pressing between hers, as he lifted her up off the ground to his height to back them towards the nearest piece of furniture: the table.

“Fuckkk…” she groaned against his lips as he set her down on the table, moving her legs further apart and her second hand to his ass to pull him more tightly against her, the heat of her grinding on his growing arousal through their uniforms.

“Is that a command, Admiral?” he grunted, hands moving up to cup her breasts and relishing the way her whole body shook in reaction to his touch.

“If you want it to be,” she replied, sucking on his earlobe before whispering, voice rough, “You do, don’t you? That’s something she never understood, couldn’t satisfy.”

It was his turn to shudder, aching with just how turned on she was making him. Some part of him registered the ‘her’ in Kathryn’s words, knew that she was talking about Seven, but he didn’t care, especially not as she slid her hands up under his uniform, nails dragging up his spine against his bare skin.

It was his turn to swear into her skin, lips against her neck.

“Yess,” he gasped, as she rubbed herself harder against him, nails digging into his shoulders, “Please.”

“Off,” she commanded, not masking the tone of authority as she yanked all of the layers of his uniform upwards, “This thing needs to come off. Now.”

As he pulled the top of his clothing over his head, she yanked at the front of his pants, practically clawing them open.

“Yours?” he almost begged, fumbling with the unfamiliar uniform version as her hand closed around his cock possessively.

“Just do it,” she breathed, “I want to feel your want, Chakotay. After all this time, I need… Oh just don’t hold back. That IS an order, damnit.”

He kissed her this time, swallowing both their moans as he got her jacket open and she kept stroking his cock firmly. They had to separate for a moment to get her half undressed, but as he tried to unclasp her bra she put her hand back down his pants, distracting him from his task.

Chakotay thrust into her hand, moving his own around to the front of her bra to yank the cups down and bending forward to bring his mouth to one of her newly exposed nipples.

“Take my pants off,” she demanded, pulling her hands back to rest beside her on the table and arching her body invitingly. As he worked them open, sucking hard on her nipple at the same time, she lifted her hips to help him get them off her. He didn’t bother leaving her underwear on either, not in the frenzied rush they were both exhibiting.

The little whimper from Kathryn as he released her nipple to kneel down in order to get her free of her clothes sent a wave of satisfaction through him. Finally, finally he could see her, hear her, feel her. He could know she wanted this, wanted him.

He could smell it too, as he leaned forward, head moving between her thighs as he finished pulling off her boots. _Taste it_ , he anticipated, tongue darting out of his mouth of its own accord.

“Now,” she growled, interrupting his head movement as she yanked him upwards by the shoulders.

As his body made contact with hers without the obstruction of their clothes at last, he didn’t need any further prompting, putting one hand on each of her thighs as she put her tongue in his mouth and he slid his cock into her.

No this wasn’t the romantic lovemaking he’d fantasized about all these years, but right now he didn’t care, couldn’t, not as she moaned his name and moved her hands back to his ass to guide his movements. This was hot, mind meltingly hot.

“Chak-o-tayyyy…” she throws her head back, white hair falling back out of her face, “Harder, I need you to take me harder.”

He bites his lip to try and maintain control as the way she’s milking his cock threatens to overload his circuits.

“Like this?” he grips her thighs harder, as he puts more force into the next thrust, leaning forward towards her, sucking at the spot where her neck meets her shoulder, “You want me to fuck you like this, Kathryn?”

He keeps his pace slow, drawing every powerful move out as long as he can stand. She’s practically begging him not to hold back, but he doesn’t trust himself right now, not with all the pent up anger and frustration. For all that she’s hurt him and she is telling him to fuck her hard… he loves this woman and right now he’s teetering on the edge of something darker. He can’t risk slipping, losing control and going too far. He moves his head down a bit further, slowly lapping at her nipple, as one of his hands reaches around to unclasp and discard her pushed aside bra at last.

“How does it make you feel, Kathryn, finally having me so deep inside of you? Is it good? Is it everything you imagined?” 

He moves the hand at her back to cup the previously ignored breast, pinching the nipple lightly between his fingers as he uses the full force of his body to press himself as far into her as possible. His other hand presses, palm facing into her body, just above where they are joined, as he grinds the heel of his hand in a circular motion in time with pulling his cock almost all the way out of her and then plunging back in.

“Stop teasing,” she rasps, fingers digging into his ass almost painfully, “I didn’t wait decades for you to toy with this.”

He’s only human. He obliges, giving in a little further to the intensity of it, to the feeling of her against and around him. She meets him thrust for thrust as he speeds up, sucking at her breast until she grips both sides of his head and yanks it up to meet her own, sucking on his lower lip again and raking her fingers through his hair.

“Tell me,” he demands or begs, he isn’t sure which, “Tell me about waiting, about wanting -- me.”

“At first I felt guilty…” something about her movements stiffens as she speaks, as she wraps her arms around his neck and shifts the angle at which they meet, “Because of Mark. I’d try to fantasize about him and I’d just keep thinking about you instead.”

All this time, all this time she’s telling him she didn’t just care for him she lusted after him. All this time they should have been wrapped up in each other. But no, she hadn’t been willing to even flinch watching him make a fool of himself. Even now, while she’s wrapped around him, it feels like the words are being drawn from her unwillingly.

“And after?” he prompts anyway, moving both hands to her breasts to hold them, before moving them to cover her back as he presses their bodies closer against each other, feeling her skin against his.

“I’d invent these ridiculous scenarios where we got home the next week and how I’d invite you to the real Lake George and we’d finally be together, or I’d imagine some sort of alien bonding ritual where we’d be forced to be together. That was before,” her tone goes from almost sarcastic to bitter, cutting, “Before I had Seven to feel guilty about, before I lost hope for our relationship but I couldn’t stop, couldn’t stop fantasizing about us together.”

“We’re together now”, he points out, feeling her slipping from him somehow, even as her legs wrap around him, holding him to her, “You gave up too soon.”

“Right,” she manages to scoff, even though he can feel just how aroused she is around him, “Now. Now when I’m about to unwrite myself from history and you get the satisfaction of knowing everything about how I feel and what it’s like to fuck me, but you’re free to go strolling back into your real life, neither your version of me or Seven any the wiser.”

Her words hit him like daggers, the weight of how his alternate future self hurt her (how he came so close to hurting his own version of her) crashing into him with its full force. He feels powerless, powerless in the face of it. He thought, he supposes he thought that this would make things better, not just for him but for her, for this woman he loves and he’s starting to realize he tore apart inside.

“How can I tell the other you?” he holds her close, buried inside her but no longer thrusting, “If I tell her you revealed that you- she does want me… There’s no way around her feeling trapped, forced, manipulated. I can’t do that to her, to you, or I would have a long time ago.”

“So what? You don’t want to wait for me to come round on my own? That’s your excuse for abandoning me for Seven?”

She pulls back, struggling away from his embrace.

“Abandoning you for…” 

Suddenly it’s like the universe shifts on its axis, turning ninety degrees. Surely she doesn’t think- But she would. It would be just like her to.

“Wait a minute, Kathryn. Just what do you think is going on here?”

He curves his hand to caress one side of her face, making eye contact and trying to read her suddenly stony expression. The reckless sensual abandon has left them both.

“You’re getting closure, the satisfaction of knowing that I couldn’t resist you, not if you really forced the issue. You get to fuck me and move on, all your questions answered.”

It feels like he is looking at her for the first time, seeing the true ravages of time on her: not the white of her hair of the texture of her skin but the depths of just how scarred the years have left her, of the damage not to her body but her mind and soul. 

“That was never what this was, it couldn’t be. Listen to me, Kathryn. Whatever the other me did, you know he regretted it. I love you. Loving you is the one thing that no timeline contamination could change. Otherwise, why would I have had such regrets?”

“But you and Seven-” she protests, turning her face away to look away from his. 

“Was a mistake. You know it was a mistake or you wouldn’t have tried to end it, not you, Kathryn.”

He slips from her, body catching up with the emotional shift, the magic of the moment dispelled. 

“Chakotay,” she presses her lips together, turning back to his face, “Are you sure you don’t want to just make us feel better about this, about what’s happened and about tonight? You used to love me, at least I believed you did, and it would be just like you to shield my feelings.”

Her face is ashen, but she does not cry. He remembers her tears back on New Earth, wonders whether that’s another thing she lost, another thing he had a role in taking from her: the ability to cry.

“I didn’t used to love you. I love you. Kathryn, I need you to know that, no matter how angry I’ve been. I love you. I love you now. I loved you then. I will keep loving you.”

“Chakotay, I…”

“Believe me, Kathryn,” he implores, “I need you to know. I thought you did and just didn’t care or I’d never…”

His vision blurs a little, prisms sparkle like rainbow diamonds where the teardrops catch in his eyelashes.

“I can’t stand the idea that you think I’d do that, especially to you. What kind of a man do I become, Kathryn, that you would think-”

“Chakotay,” she murmurs, wrapping her arms around his and burying her face against his shoulder, “I’ve missed you, I’ve missed you so much. I think I almost forgot what you are really like.”

He adjusts his hold on her, picking her up off the unforgiving hard surface of the table, carrying her to the couch so he can sit down with her still wrapped around his lap. He nuzzles his face into her hair, running his hands up and down her back, caressing her gently, like he has always wanted to.

“I don’t want you out of my system. I don’t want closure, I want a beginning. I want you. I want you and I was angry with you and you seemed to want something specific. The truth is, though… I don’t want to fuck you; I want to make love to you, Kathryn. I want to give myself to you.”

“I love you, Chakotay,” she runs her hands over his face, pressing her lips to his forehead, “Being without you has done things to me that I’m not proud of, changed me, but that’s not your fault.”

“I’m not proud of how I’ve handled it either,” he admits, “And I have less years of suffering to blame that you do.”

“You’re here now,” she says and he almost feels like it’s more to herself than him, “You’re here now and that will have to be enough.”

Her kisses are no less intense, but they are at the same time nothing like the ones that came before, that hard unrelenting feeling giving way to something more tender and deep.

It doesn’t take long for things to heat up, Kathryn kneeling, legs on either side of him, as she rises up to let his arousal spring free, only to sink back down again, both of them letting out a moan as she claims him once more.

He kisses her collarbone and her shoulders, runs his hands all over her body. 

“Kathryn,” he almost sobs, the relief as she takes him so intense it's nearly painful, “Oh Kathryn…”

Each time she rocks closer, hands running through his hair, head arched back just slightly in enjoyment, they both tremble. This, this is what he had been waiting for in so many ways.

And yet.

The tears stream down his face, his grief yanked free of its restraints at last. Even as Kathryn tightens, going silent instead of louder as she peaks, they keep coming. Even as she leans forward a little more, breasts rubbing against his chest with every movement, body still shaking as she starts to come back down, moaning his name in his ear and driving him over the edge. 

He’s still weeping as they stay there on the couch, wrapped around each other, her thumb tracing circles lightly against the nape of his neck. This moment can’t last, soon he will have to rise and face his own timeline, but at long last he just lets go and feels everything he’s held at bay.

“I know it wasn't easy living all these years without this, Chakotay. But when we’re through, things will be better for both of us,” she reassures him, warm and comforting as she holds onto him just as firmly as he is her, “Trust me.”

He does.


End file.
